And Yet Again

And here we are again.  Ada was throwing up again and Evelyn is on antibiotics... so we missed church again.  I'm starting to feel uncomfortable for how many Sundays we've missed in a row.  Maybe I can start praying for the kids to be sick in the middle of the week instead of on Saturday/Sunday... because obviously they're going to keep getting sick... we already prayed for that one. So here was my Sunday study for today and a few thoughts from this week.

"What favorite sins, large or small, are you willing to give away - right now, today - in order to increase your access to the power of God?  If you want to be sanctified, repentance is not optional."

"In contrast to sin, which is ugly and costly, obedience is brilliant and its fruits are endless, one of which is happiness. The only way to be happy is to live the gospel.

It is not possible to sin enough to be happy.  It is not possible to buy enough to be happy, or to entertain or indulge ourselves enough to be happy.  Happiness and joy come only when we are living up to who we are.  King Benjamin clearly understood this when he admonished us to "consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God.  For... they are blessed in all things, ... and if they hold out faithful to the end... they may dwell with God in a state of never ending happiness" (Mosiah 2:41)."




And just a few of my own thoughts....  sorry, it's a mind dump and I honestly won't be offended if you don't read it.  Mostly it's about things that I've been thinking about from my Sunday reading today and several different conversations that I've had with people through out the week.

Growing up I always knew what I wanted.  I wanted to grow up, go to college, get married and have a family.  Great. It's easy to make a few written or thought out goals but it's a little harder to accomplish what you want... especially without the help of the Lord. 

First, I wanted to grow up... I was going to grow up no matter what, but Heavenly Father blessed me to grow up in a family that loved me and with parents that taught me how to become a righteous woman in the Lord.  (Still working on that one, but they showed me where to start.) 

Second, go to college.  Why?  I was planning on being a stay at home mom, so why would I want this one?  I love to learn, that's why.  I love to listen to the history lessons, and sit in on sculpting classes.  It makes me happy to learn.  You don't have to have a college degree to learn, but in my case it worked out perfectly.  Heavenly Father knew it was important to me and He timed my life to perfection.

Third, get married.  In a culture (yes, Utah county is a culture) where it's very common for a girl to get married between the ages of 18-21 I didn't think that I would get married.  I didn't think that I would ever.  I was never thin, pretty, etc... I only went on a few dates and most of those were with friends not "friends".  But a couple of things in my life contributed to the end result of this goal... I was not expecting it to fall into my lap.  I knew that I wanted a husband, but didn't really think of the kind of husband that I wanted.  (this wasn't a turning point but one example of the preparation that I recieved)  We had a family move into our ward when we were teens, they were very poor and needed quite a bit of help from the people around them.  My dad said something to the effect of, "I wouldn't mind if one of our daughters married their boys."  Not only were they poor, but they had given up everything... their whole life... for the gospel and their faith in God.  None of our sisters even dated their boys, but it did show me that what you want in a spouse is spiritual love of God and faith to do hard things not the comfort of knowing that you'll always be materially taken care of.  (not that I don't appreciate that ability in a spouse).  And I continued to live my life as best as I could making mistakes, learning, growing and trying to be more righteous in the gospel.  I got to the age of 21 and knew that it was time that prayed about serving a mission for the LDS church.  That wasn't in my plan.  I was terrified of putting my testimony in front of other people that could reject what I believed.  My parents didn't force me to go or even to pray about it... I chose to.  I prayed to know if I should be a missionary.  The warmth of the Holy Ghost let me know that, "Yes, this is what you should do."  I was disappointed, nervous, but I've not followed the promptings of the Holy Ghost before and been left empty when I didn't, so I decided to go.  I knew that there was a possibility of serving a foreign speaking mission.  I was okay with that, but I'd just spent 5 years of my life trying to learn Spanish.  I felt like I didn't really have a great grip on the language.  But I'd also spent the last 5 years learning American Sign Language and was invited to be part of our High School "immersion" program. (Was part of the ASL culture and took classes with the 10 deaf students that were at our school.)  I really enjoyed it and thought that I could teach about Christ in ASL.  So I prayed again.  I told God that I would serve a mission like He'd asked, but I asked Him if I could do anything but Spanish speaking.  I never felt an answer to that prayer.  I went ahead and prepared my mission papers, received my call and waited "patiently" to open it when my mom got back from a business trip.  I opened them and started crying.  I was going to Guayaquil, Ecuador.  But I didn't cry from disappointment, I cried because even the name felt like home in my heart.  That was were I was supposed to be.  It wasn't easy to be a missionary, but I learned more about my testimony while I was there... I always believed the things that I taught, but I learned more clearly about them as I taught.  I felt the overwhelming love of God as I taught about His appearance in these days.  I learned to appreciate the temple from members that were "so lucky to have a temple and temple blessings so close to them."  (They lived 4 hours by bus and it cost at least a weeks pay to get you and your spouse there and back.)  I learned to see people for who they are and not for what situation they live in.  And suprisingly... I didn't have a problem with the language.  I spoke well, taught well, and loved it.  And I feel that my mission prepared me to be more attractive and more competent as a spouse and mother.  When I got home, I wanted to have an eternal marriage but I didn't expect it to happen to me.  I just tried hard to keep living... and because I kept going... it happened to me.  Can I believe that someone found me?  Sometimes I can't believe it, but I am grateful to him for seeing me as a daughter of God and not for anything else, and to Heavenly Father for picking my match so perfectly. 

And fourthly, it wasn't easy having kids.  Luckly our infertility was a pretty easy fix... but the brief uncertainty taught me love.  I have so many friends that are struggling with this right now.  I know the pain of thinking that you'll never have your own child.  The nights praying and crying and finally the joy of holding your babies in your arms and knowing that it's your responsibility to teach them, lead them, and love them.  It's a hard responsibility and honestly there are lots of little things that you can do to prepare to have children... but it doesn't compare even slightly to having the child.  The nights of joy when they have done something great... the nights wondering what to do to change a bad behavior... (and my oldest is only 4... just imagine the great teenage years in front of us...) having to change yourself from "social butterfly/ working team manager/ traveller" to Mom.  It's a difficult switch, but one that is soooo necessary to make in order to enjoy motherhood!  And I do enjoy it.  I'm not perfect at it, but I'm beginning to appreciate the job that God gave me by making me a mother.  Hopefully by learning more about that job I will also have a greater desire to be a better mother every day... that doesn't mean that I have to make all my kids "homemade meals" to take to school with them or press all their shirts for them.  But it does mean that I love them, I teach them to love themselves, I teach them to love others, and most especially it is my job to teach them to love God and to be patient with themselves while they are learning to have faith in Him. 

I am grateful that God gave me everything that I wanted from life.  It hasn't happened "as planned" but He has helped me know that life is more than I wanted it to be and that when He has plans for me my life is better than if I have plans for me.  If your plans haven't turned out yet or if you feel like it won't happen to you, trust God, keep going... if it's a righteous desire then it will happen.  Love you all.  Happy Sunday.